N = No

Saying “no” sounds so simple.  “Do you want to go with me to the store?”  That is what is called a closed-ended question.  It only requires a simple “yes” or “no” answer.  So how many people say in response, “Well, I can’t because of…” or “I don’t think so because…”  or “Not this time because…” and not just say, “No”?  Isn’t that funny in a weird sort of way?  Definitely not a “ha ha” funny way!

It is my feeling that we are generally conditioned to not say NO without what is deemed to be a reasonable explanation.  It creeps up on us as we become older and trained or maybe even brainwashed into not saying NO.

We all laugh at the toddler that says “no” to every question asked.  They are exercising their right to choose and since no is such an easy word to say and elicits immediate responses, they say no to everything proposed.  Of course we trained adults or older ones try to trick them by asking questions that will get the response “no” and then throw in a question like, “Do you want a cookie?” and they quickly respond with the “no” and usually, just as quickly realize they just turned down a cookie and behold!  Training has begun!  Now, in life, it can go on for a few more years, but is no longer an automatic response and then we start the offerings of reasons for saying the word no.

One of the hardest decisions I ever made was based on faulty reasoning but I said no to what I truly wanted in order to not say no to the needs of a favorite aunt.  Let me explain.  My older cousin asked me to go to dinner and a movie with her (she could drive, I could not yet) but I was visiting my aunt at the time and staying with her on vacation.  I was afraid my aunt would be upset or disappointed if I didn’t spend my time with her, so I made an excuse and declined my cousin’s invitation.  My aunt, wise woman that she was, asked pointedly why I would want to spend a dull evening with her since she was going to bed early anyway, and pass up a chance at a movie and dinner with my cousin?  I offered a really lame excuse and upon having poor answers for my aunt, she asked again did I really and truly want to stay in a dark quiet house with her in her room asleep.  I blurted out, “NO—not really!”  Then she laughed, which shocked me, and said for me to call my cousin and tell her to pick me up.  I was 16 and well-trained to not say no to anyone without a plausible excuse.  And I didn’t want to hurt my Aunt’s feelings.  Now that was legitimate.  The rest?  Total bs.  Sound familiar at all?

I got older.  I would be asked to do things I didn’t want to do.  IF I didn’t want to, I would weigh the consequences of saying no depending on who had asked and their feelings, not my own.  Later, I found out this is a common malady as I would see advertisements for classes to teach people to say NO.  That same word that had been drummed out of us during toddler years was being brought back to us as adults.  Amazing!

I read books on saying NO.  I talked with people about saying NO.  I felt guilt over saying NO.  I got angry at myself for not saying NO.  And then the best advice I ever got came from a wise counselor—“Learn to say no with no explanation, no excuses, and empower yourself.”  Now, if you have never experienced just saying that one word and offering nothing else, you have to try it!  It is truly liberating!  I back-slid many, many times.  The best trials I had with it were the ones where I told persons I didn’t really care about “no.”  That sort of set me up to say NO to people I did care about.

I’d like to say it gets easier and I rarely offer excuses or reasonings behind my “nos” but that wouldn’t be telling the honest truth.  I still make excuses even as I realize no explanation is needed.  But I’ve been thoroughly and effectively brain-washed so I feel the need to explain the little word.  HOWEVER…there will be a day…

“Want to go…”      “No.”

“Want to…”       “No.” 

and then I will feel just as wonderful about…  “Want to…”   “YES!”

Give it a try.  NO?  Okay.  No pressure.  Just a thought…