F= F A I L= Find An Inside Light

We look at the word FAIL and we often shrink from it.  No one likes to fail.  We look at it as coming up short, being embarrassed, a struggle that didn’t reach the desired goal.  In what we do with the connotation of the word, we can doom ourselves to self recrimination, more struggles, and more temerity in taking on a new task.

Now some people simply look at the word fail and act on it as an opportunity to move forward, learn from a failed attempt at something to press on, remembering what did not go as planned, to make sure they don’t repeat a certain action and rather eliminate it so they won’t fail the next try.  But something needs to take place for this to happen.

Thinking of scientists, Hawking being one that comes to mind since his recent death, we have to wonder what kept him going, trying, failing, and trying again.  Having read so many of his inspirational quotes and looking inside myself, I realized that we all—ALL—have the potential to use a “fail” to become better, stronger, and individually successful in our own way.

If we look at FAIL as an acronym for “find an inside light,” we can let ourselves go as high and as far as we desire.  I look at the students I taught English composition to.  Those who could not pass the class never found that light inside themselves.  They gave up.  And hey, we all do that at times.  But those who kept trying, who refused to succumb to the temporary darkness of failing one step in the process, could reach inside and pull out enough light to keep going and in the end, pass the class.  Sound too simple?  Maybe if we put some technical words into it, made it a sort of spiritual goal or something like that, that would create a challenge and be something worth striving for?  Sorry.  It is simple.  Just find the light inside you, use it, and presto-chango, abracadabra, ta da!

I truly believe we are each born with that inner light that says we should try—fail or not—try.  I know it can be labeled the instinct for survival, motivational attitude, positive thinking—call it what you like.  To me, it’s a light.  You know you see it in others.  Can you say honest truth you aren’t drawn to people who have that light from the inside?  You click with them.  They inspire you.  You count on them to be there.  You gravitate toward their inner light.  Well, at least some of us do.  You may not but oh, you are missing so much if you don’t!

I have seen people that are broken—physically, emotionally, mentally—strive to share that inner light in the face of horrific  things and keep going.  I admire them.  I love them!  They don’t brag, talk about the way they overcome one thing or another, or literally show off and talk about their accomplishments and greatness.  No, the people with a real, true light inside quietly keep moving on, using the failures to learn from and help others so they don’t have to fail, too.

I want to relate two instances where the light from inside another being helped me find my inside light.  I had volunteered to help feed the homeless and their animals.  It can be gut wrenching to see people hungry, cold or burned from the sun, depending on the season, and know you are only temporarily helping what they go through 24/7.  Yes, they were very grateful and it made us ache inside to go home after trying to help them and realize I didn’t have to sleep on the ground, scrounge for food.  I could take a hot shower, then go open my fridge and scan a surplus to choose what I wanted to eat.  Talk about feeling guilty!  I couldn't find light inside—only darkness.  They were hurting, silently, and I was under a roof, well-fed.  But then on one walkabout to distribute food and toiletries, their light reached out to me in a profound way.  The previous month, our founder and fellow worker had broken her ankle and couldn't do the walkabouts so we were short one person and nothing was said until we came the third time in a row without her.  That day, the people we were “helping” asked us about her absence.  We explained her situation, not thinking it was that relevant to their situation and they immediately were concerned.  We were asked if she was okay, in much pain, did she have help to get around, how long was she going to be off her foot?  Not just one person asked, but several.  In my being busy handing out lunches, dog food, necessities I began to feel the concern they shared for her and how she was.  I started slowing down, looking into the eyes of each person who asked and I saw it.  Their inner light.  Their genuine concern and caring.  That inner light of their essence as another human being.  I think all of us were feeling it because we stayed talking, reassuring them that she would be fine, and yes, it would be about another month before she could do walkabouts again, and there was a sharing of light amongst all of us there.  It was no longer we who helped and those who were being helped.  We all cared about the ills of another person that we all valued.  That light inside them was beautiful, inspiring.  Here were people who had nothing—literally nothing—asking about our friend, now their friend.  Outside, they had failed.  They were on the streets, struggling just to survive.  They might as well have worn shirts with a huge F on their backs to signify failure so far as society was concerned.  But their inner light, their compassion and caring, was as far from failure as the expanse of the universe.  It was a definite wow moment that lasted for days as I found my inner light to connect with theirs.

The other example/instance I would like to share is also from a real-life experience.  I had had some real upsets with family, a friend, and some professionals I was trying to deal with.  I was being continually reminded I had failed and failed and told to change my attitude and “ways” if I wanted to be accepted.  I had clung to my integrity to the point that it was pretty much all I had left.  And there was little light of any sort in my life.  I met with a friend for coffee because she was down, too, and I felt like if I got outside of myself, I would be in a better state of mind.  My friend has stage four cancer and she cried and told me she was going to go off the experimental drug she was on because the side affects left her so miserable and in so much pain that she couldn’t take anymore.  My stomach dropped to my knees as she went on to tell me that when she told her oncologist, he told her at best she would have two months left if she went off this particular chemo drug.  I felt like my whole world inside had gone black, and yet, I had no right to selfishly want her to prolong her life in pain because I would miss her so bad should she die.  She cried, we told her we were with her regardless of what she decided as we didn’t live inside her painful body, and as we offered our heartfelt support to her, she smiled.  We held her hand across the table and heard her say, “At least you hear me and that means so much!  You don’t think I’m a quitter, do you?”  I assured her that no—I did not ever think of her as a quitter!  She smiled again and said, “I’ll see my grandson again and this time, I won’t be in pain the whole time.  And you and I can get together and I won’t be hurting as much.  Thank you for understanding!  I love you!”  There it was.  That inner light from her, creeping into me.  Oh, yes!  The tears flowed when we parted and the full impact hit me.  But she was looking forward to no pain and her light from inside shone through and reached into my pitiful self darkness.  How dare I—was all I could think.  My problems were nothing compared to her pain, the life and death decision she had made!  And yet, her light was there.  She had not FAILED!  She FOUND AN INSIDE LIGHT!

I have to admit, clouds often try to hide my inside light.  But I know it is there.  I just forget to look for it or where it is.  My wish for you, honest truth, is that when the darkness of the word fail engulfs you, you find that inside light inside yourself or that person who can share theirs with you until yours is strong and bright again.  Then get up, try again, and SHINE!