R for Recommend

The definition of the word “recommend,” according to Webster’s New World College Dictionary, is: v. 1. to present as deserving of acceptance or trial.  2.  to give in charge:COMMIT  3.  to make acceptable  4.  to give advice to.

I don’t know about you, but before I commit to buying an expensive item, be it the newest techno toy or clothing or household item, I search out someone who already has the product and ask if they would recommend it as a purchase.  No information is as valuable as that from someone who already has something that you would like to have and their opinion about it.  Once I was going to purchase a certain brand of camping tent when the children and I were going to go camping.  Our tent had succumbed to weather and kids.  Need I say more?  I knew someone who had already bought the tent I was looking to buy, and asked how they liked theirs.  Thank goodness I did!  I heard phrases like “Oh, yeah.  That brand!” and “Well, you get what you pay for!”  “Cheap isn’t always better.”  Or my favorite, “If you can afford to buy the tent for a one-time use, sure, throw your money down the drain!”  Okay.  I got the picture.  I bought a more expensive tent that I have to this day, some 25 years later.  I was glad I asked!

On another note, when I was teaching college, I frequently had students ask for a letter to recommend they get into a particular program or to help them get a scholarship.  Now, when it comes to recommending a human being, it doesn’t quite rank with buying a tent for camping.  Sometimes, I would struggle with recommending the student, wondering if they were serious about whatever they wanted the recommendation for, and if they would truly have a chance of success in the most literal sense.  So I would occasionally ask if I was their first choice of reference or last.  Always, I had the presence of mind to smile like it was an amusing question, but depending on the student and her/his capabilities, I was as serious as a heart attack!  It can be hard to recommend a human for something, when your gut tells you this is a disaster waiting to happen.  But… there are ways around it.  With phrases like “…always very pleasant in demeanor…” or “…very prompt…”  and “…sincere…”.  Geez, I hate writing empty words, but…the student got their letter of recommendation and I didn’t feel like I had betrayed them or betrayed the person(s) who would take them on—or not.

In today’s culture and our society, people recommend other persons, items, lifestyles with more force behind it.  Sometimes this reaches the point of “…accept my ‘recommendation’ or else!” and it hangs on the edge of being an order or fiat.  And that’s when I balk.

I recommend that my writing, creative friends join WOK.  I back up my recommendation with facts as well as personal anecdotes about the benefits I personally have gotten from WOK.  I feel comfortable as I recommend WOK meetings and membership.  But if these same friends ask me to recommend a good dentist or doctor?  EEEEWWWWW!  Will they like the personality of the medical person?  Will they feel confident in the background/education of the professional?  Will they blame me if they wind up with an ultra-expensive root canal when they could have gotten a mere filling for the same tooth at a fraction of the cost?  No—some things I never recommend.

Why is recommending someone or something so tricky and complicated?  Because, as the definition states,  when we recommend anything or anyone, we are presenting something as “…deserving of acceptance or trial.”   Do I want that responsibility?  To take a chance that my recommendation of something or someone could destroy the relationship I currently enjoy with the one asking for my recommendation?  No.  To both questions, I answer “NO.”  I know that I put a certain level of trust in others when I ask them to recommend.  I trust them to have my best interests at heart when they point me in one direction or another.  Now, I am not a vengeful person.  And I accept my responsibility for following their direction—or not.  If one friend recommends a certain dentist and my experience is one of nothing but costly pain and anguish—well, I chose to accept the recommendation so it is on me.  But some of my friends do not share this philosophy and I get unfollowed on FaceBook, hear upset voices on my phone, and get the cold shoulder if I recommend the wrong person, etc.  Hence, no more recommendations from me, friend.  

So my truth regarding the word recommend?  Groups you’d recommend?  Pretty safe as long as lots of people from different backgrounds, etc., are there because people will find someone they can relate to.  Products?  Always preface your opinion/recommendation with “I may have gotten a fluke and bad apple, however,…”  That is better known as CYA and you are blameless.  

So the question you have to ask yourself (at the end of this rambling) is whether or not you are willing to take responsibility for your recommendations or not.  Me?  I pick and choose what to recommend.  Slip shod, I know.  But at least I still have friends!  (Or after this blog, maybe not!)