C is for Could

C is for Could

By definition, the word could is a verb, meaning: a shade of doubt or a smaller degree of ability or possibility; expressing permission; expressing or suggesting politely less certainty than CAN.  The definition comes from Webster’s New World College Dictionary.  Ahhh—the possibilities in the word could.

I remember as a child being actually offered an option or choice.  I could choose to do what I knew was expected by the parent, usually the mother since she feigned choices being given, or I could choose what I truly wanted to do.  Being naive and mistakenly thinking I was really and honestly being offered a choice, I would force myself to look as if I was sincerely pondering my choice and then announce that since I could choose her option or mine, I would go with mine.  My confidence in the offerings of what I could do quickly faded as I realized quickly, not without repercussions, that I not only could, but should, follow along with her ideas and subtle suggestions camouflaged by her soft voice and smile—and my own obviously poor and no way subtle desires.  What I could do was indeed true to the definition, i.e.”…smaller degree of… possibility…”

All of us have experienced this at some time or other, at least I hope so.  (I need some fellow sufferers here.)  I remember the first formal employment I had (not mowing lawns or babysitting) as a cashier/stocker/salesperson in a small store.  My first day went well and I impressed the boss with my energy and attention to each task I was assigned.  Nothing was left undone at the end of that first day and the boss was pleased and I knew I was “in.”  After about a week, I saw where some things could be done differently to save time and accomplish more.  I started with, “You know, we could alter the routine just a little and save time and your money.  I could show you my idea as I’ve made notes and…” And BOOM!  I was told this was the way it had ALWAYS BEEN DONE and my suggestions were not needed nor wanted.  Yes, I could have pushed, but you know how it is when you need money, hence, the job.

COULD and reality often clash.  What one COULD  do and what one actually does are not always workable, if you know what I mean.  Case in point, I COULD  choose to get across town in ten minutes, from Oildale to Bear Mountain Boulevard.  And I feasibly could pull it off.  However, the reality of it is that if I put my foot on the accelerator of my car and did what I could do, wanted to do, getting a ticket goes from “…a smaller degree of ability or possibility…” to a distinct and certain consequence.  So, though I COULD, I choose not to.

Definitions sort of clarify things, again, sort of.  As I write this blog, events going on outside are something I COULD try to  do something about.  The neighbor behind my apartment is screaming and threatening people.  She has already intentionally knocked over the six garbage cans, dumping all the trash around the cars parked here and spread it all over the alley beside our parking lot.  Myself and other neighbors have picked up the trash and righted the cans, and when we go back inside, she pushes them over again.  I heard banging that sounded like it was happening again, went out, and met a couple that live two doors down and we surveyed the trash and garbage spread all over once again.  I came in, they had to run to the store, and I hear breaking glass now.  I just received a call from the couple that left.  They were at the store and had had to call the police because she came at them with a baseball bat as they were getting into their car.  Now, I will watch for the police to arrive, which may or may not happen.  The last time we called when someone was literally trying to break into an apartment, they didn’t show up until an hour and forty-five minutes later, said they saw no one and left.  Duh!  I think you can understand my use of COULD  here as in—they COULD SHOW UP to take care of the threatening woman—or not.  It truly seems to be a slim to none possibility.  So this “begs the question” as to what I COULD  do and what I will in actuality do.

The police have been called.  I could try to talk to her, barring being beaten senseless with a baseball bat, to try to de-escalate the situation.  I could try to keep tabs on where she is to help the police should they come (doubtful as it is) to help them find and dissuade her from doing damage to persons and/or property.  I could stay where I am, door locked, and just listen to the chaos outside.  Of course that means if my little fur baby Sara needs to relieve herself, uh oh.  I could pick up Sara, we could get in our car and drive to a friend’s house and wait for things to hopefully “blow over” until later this evening.  But—since it has been going on since 8 am and it is now 3:30 pm, a “blow over” doesn't seem in the offing anytime soon.  The dilemma is what I COULD  do and what happens are not necessarily  going to work together towards an informed and realistic action on my part.  The element of surprise and an erratic human on the end of a baseball bat that is flailing through the air towards cars, trucks, and fellow humans seems to diminish the different choices of COULD  right now.

A lot of COULD actions, in my truth, have to do with moral choices.  I could do a lot of things that aren’t really illegal but in a moral sense are quite shady and iffy.  Taxes will be due soon.  I could alter a few numbers, move a few decimal points.  I COULD.  But morally, it is not an option.  Not for fear of being caught,  rather because morally, in my truth, it is wrong for me.  Similarly, I could walk out of the store, knowing I had seen the cashier made an error in my favor and pocket the extra money, considering myself lucky.  I COULD.  But, I know she/he could lose their job for a drawer that doesn’t balance out at the end of her/his shift.  Morals.  Right. Wrong.

I go back to her/him, tell them I wasn’t charged for the item, and pay up.  It never was an option for me in my truth.

See the difference in COULD and choices, both morally and according to one’s values/core truths?  I like to sleep at night, not go over where could and did and went against my morals and values.  Restful sleep is a luxury for me.  Why screw it up with what I could do and did?

**Recap on the situation mentioned earlier taking place as I wrote.  An officer finally showed up, said he could not see the woman in question anywhere and “…call me if she goes off again.”  My neighbors and I directed him to the apartment we saw her go into, and he left.  Nothing.  And so, he COULD have followed up with it, but rather chose not to be bothered, drove off, and now we wait pensively and anxiously to see if it recurs as it has off and on all day.  Here is where I wish he would have done what he COULD have.  His choice, I guess. (He probably has no trouble sleeping either.)