N = NO

The word NO is defined by Webster’s New World College Dictionary as follows: 1. it is not so; nay  2. it cannot be so: used to express surprise, disbelief, dismay, etc.  3. emphatically not: refusal or denial.

Two year olds are notoriously known for their discovery of the word “no.”  They are asked a question, any question, and the response is, “NO!”  Older siblings, parents, amused adults will ask question after question to receive the response of “no” and then ask the smug child, proud of its new word, “Would you like some ice cream?”  Now the power of the word no is gone.  Because yes, they do want some ice cream but…  and everyone has a good laugh at the trap the toddler placed themselves in through asserting “no” and now having to say yes to get the ice cream.  Ahhh, we are mean.  But we will justify this action on the unsuspecting child by saying we are teaching her/him that not every answer can be “no.”  Have we really taught the toddler anything?  Or are we mirroring our own acquiescence in a world where NO is more often than not an inappropriate and unacceptable response?

Classes are taught in assertiveness to instruct people in the value of saying NO to allow them to not be overburdened, to take care of themselves.  Isn’t it strange that when we first said no as a child, to assert ourselves, by the way, it was quickly squelched and ridiculed that we had found this new and powerful word?  That we were shown the futility of saying no?  And then years later had to be taught and trained to say it once more, but this time for self-preservation?  The human race is weird, folks.

We live in such monumental paradoxes daily.  A woman is raped, brutally and aggressively.   A trial takes place to convict the rapist.  The defense attorney asks the victim pointedly, “Did you say no to the alleged rapist?”  Hmmmmm… good question!  Because if you didn’t say “NO”, you were actually consenting to being raped.  Everyone knows that!  No matter there was a knife to your throat or a gun to your head.  You were duty bound to say NO!  Yep, that is clear as mud.  And of course, the assumption would have to be that had the victim said NO, the perpetrator would have stopped immediately upon hearing that word.  Just like if someone accosts someone else and tries to rob them, no should be said in order to immediately stop the crime.  You figure it out.

Try this one on.  Johnny comes home from school with a bloody nose.  You ask what happened as the concerned parent.  It turns out Jimmy  tried to steal his backpack and he fought for it and Jimmy offered to let him keep it if he could win a fist fight.  You, as the concerned and caring parent say, “Why didn’t you just say NO?”  duh  Johnny knows if he doesn’t fight for it, he will lose it and if he does fight for it, he may still lose it.  Why say NO?  What good would it have done?  Jimmy really doesn’t want an answer— yes or no.  Jimmy wants to be a bully and beat the crap out of Johnny.  The word no is immaterial and may even anger Jimmy further and the fight could escalate even more.  Come on parent!  Would you have said NO as you faced Jimmy’s irate parent who challenged you to a fight?

There are times, though, when NO can be a powerful word and when it should definitely be said and said forcefully.  You see someone abusing an animal or child or another human and are disregarded as a bystander.  THEN, you say, “NO!  Stop it!  You cannot do this!”  OR You are asked if it is all right to slander others because of race or religion.  Say NO!  OR You are asked to join in laughter at slanderous remarks about a person who is of different sexual orientation.  Refuse!  Say NO!  See how NO can be a true asset?

Again, we teach children not to say no until we realize we have done such a good job that they cannot tell a molester no, they cannot tell a bully no, they cannot tell anyone no because it has become “bad to say no.”  They grow up and the boss says for certain favors, a promotion, a raise can be had.  A teen is miserable at home and another teen offers an escape into whatever seems to feel good at the moment.  A college student is offered a copy of the upcoming exam that he/she really has to pass.  None of the above are capable of saying NO to the offers/demands being made because it is not right to say no.  And if asked why they did NOT say NO, they don’t even know.  They are hard-wired to acquiesce and nod, say yes, and move on.

Realistically, truthfully, people have died for saying NO.  We call them martyrs.  We call them heroes and heroines.  We call them people of greatness.  We admire those who will stand and say no to injustice, wrongs, cruelty, etc.  Sadly, it is usually after they have died because when they are alive, we are saying they are crazy lunatics to buck the status quo, to defy the bullies, to stand up to the boss.  Just go with the flow is what we tell the non-sheep.  They are dangerous.  They are radicals.  They upset the balance.  But when they die with “no” on their lips, we extol their greatness.  Yes, we are weird.

In summary, the next time a toddler answers every question with NO, think about it before you trick her/him.  Are you setting them up to be hurt, led by those stronger, give up to pressure and what they want to believe is moral and right?  If you don’t think so, then go ahead.  Show that child the futility of NO.  If you worry you are condemning them to quiet submission, then you can help them see where no needs to be used wisely, but still used.

That’s my truth.  And I own that I am weird. NO—not crazy—weird.