O = Obvious

I would be willing to bet that what is obvious to us is not necessarily obvious to you.  Nor any other particular person.  But everyone knows that and because of it, we establish laws, regulations, rules to make it obvious what should be done, what consequences will follow certain actions, and steer us away from chaos and anarchy in our society, our cities, our families.  Right?  Some people will call them “norms,” or “appropriate” actions and to a degree, we try to fit in.  However, these things change as we humans try to better our conditions, environment, and adapt to change. Therein lies the Obvious problem/dilemma.

Right here, right now, this blog can go one of two ways—either sarcasm and satire with humor, or a deep look at the not so funny or humorous state of our national attitudes and what is happening that is so obvious to some and definitely not to others.  So which way to go?

IF we go with an intense look at where our nation is heading, we sense frustration and futility.  We see two definite divisions classified as either Red vs Blue, liberal vs conservative, and then it breaks down into truth vs lies and where the issue of what is obvious becomes tribal and exclusive.  In the microcosm of the family unit we see this division and break down into obviously right vs obviously wrong.  Anyone who has ever tried to argue with a toddler knows this.  What is it Dante wrote about the gates of hell?  Abandon all hope you who enter here?  That pretty much sums up my feelings on what I feel is obviously happening in our society and every thing it touches, including each individual.  To us it is obvious that the current state of affairs threatens our whole country in every way, and to others—well, it is not.

IF  we choose sarcasm and satire laced with some pretty dark humor, it is more pleasant to expound on without getting quite so damned depressed over the whole thing.   And we do sincerely believe humor and laughter are sanity savers.  It would also foster some hope that things can change and enlightenment can take place somewhere, somehow.

So which way to go?  Hmmmmm.  Let’s look at an adult arguing, or attempting to argue with a toddler.  Here’s the scenario.  Johnny is sitting playing with his action doll, contented, happy.  He is not forced to share with older siblings because he’s the “baby.”  Besides, the older kids don’t want his slobbered on toy anyway.  Mom is happy.  Johnny is happy.  The older kids are happy.  Dad comes home to a quiet and congenial house and everyone smiles a lot.  Then there’s a knock on the door.  Oh, wow!  Look who has come to visit!  It’s Aunt Kathy and her toddler.  Wonderful!  The two toddlers can play together and the adults can visit and the older kids can do whatever it is they do when another toddler comes into the house and that is to instinctively disappear, knowing one toddler is controllable, two less so.

Johnny eyeballs his cousin, appearing to clutch his little doll closer.  Cousin Jimmy sees the doll immediately and eye contact is made between the two.  Johnny gets up from where he was sitting, and toddles off toward the parent of choice.  Jimmy, silent but determined, follows.  The adults are oblivious to the brewing storm.  Johnny stands close to his father, in an obviously defensive posture.  Jimmy stands less than a foot away, edging forward, eyes darting between Johnny’s eyes and the doll in Johnny’s hand up by his chest.  The adults keep talking.  An outside observer sees that Jimmy obviously wants the doll and Johnny obviously is aware of that want.

Suddenly, Jimmy steps forward, both hands reaching for Johnny’s doll!  Johnny shrinks back and into his father’s knees.  The father suddenly pays attention and says to Johnny, “Why don’t you share your toy with Jimmy?” and nudges Johnny toward Jimmy while trying to extricate the toy from Johnny’s death grip on it.  Johnny screams, “NO!  MINE!” and Jimmy also screams as he lunges towards Johnny and gets his hands on the toy.  The mothers now start trying to reason with the screaming toddlers as the father tries to wrestle the toy away from four little hands clutching at it.  

The situation escalates as the mothers get louder and try to convince two toddlers to “share” and then the father booms out, “Either SHARE OR I WILL TAKE IT AWAY FROM BOTH OF YOU!”  One would think this would shock the toddlers enough to at least stop the screaming but instead, they only scream louder and have fallen to the floor to carry on their physical battle.  Words of “reason” are being screamed by adults, the two toddlers grapple for the toy, unhearing, when the father reaches in, grunts, and triumphantly stands, toy in hand.  He waves it over his head, the victor over the toddlers, and both kids start bawling and clawing at his pants leg to try to climb his frame to reach the toy.  The mothers each pick up a child to try to distract them from the toy as the father smiles and announces, “Well, I took care of THAT, now didn’t I?” and still victoriously holds the toy above everyone’s head.  At this point, it is obvious that all that was taken care of is the fact that no one has the toy except the father and no solution, resolution has been reached.  Johnny definitely did not grasp the concept of “sharing” nor did Jimmy realize he could not just take what he saw and wanted.  Wailing and temper tantrums continued by both toddlers until Jimmy’s mother finally picked him up and took him home.  Johnny got his toy back and learned that the fight was won by him as the adversary was now gone and he had what he wanted and what he felt was rightfully his.  Did anyone learn anything?  ANYONE?

Yes!  If you scream loud enough and long enough, you get what you want by forcing the intruder out.  No one wants to hear you pitch a fit, you refuse to listen or learn, and ultimately, you win.  Controls, parents, adults, cannot stop you!  YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU WANT!  And the parents say, “Well, at least the screaming stopped.  And he doesn’t understand, but he’ll grow up and get it.  He just needs time.  Anything is better than his fits of anger.”

The older kids return.  Johnny sees that one of them is holding a toy he is attracted to.  He grabs it and runs.  Chaos ensues as the older kid demands to have it back and yells for help from the parents.  Johnny is screaming and clutching once again.  The parents tell their older children to just put up with it.  Johnny will grow out of it.  And so Johnny takes what he wants, when he wants and it is obvious that no one is in control except—Johnny—who they hope will grow out of his insatiable appetite for taking what he wants regardless of who or what says he should not.

Ah, the world of toddlers.  Isn’t it rather obvious that Johnny is not going to stop what he is doing as long as there are no consequences for his selfish behavior?  Isn’t it obvious that as Johnny gets older and continues this behavior that something is awry?  Probably to everyone but Johnny—but obviously Johnny doesn’t care.  There are no “norms” or “appropriate” behaviors for Johnny.  No rules.  No laws.  Just watch Johnny and see the lengths others go to to keep him from throwing a screaming fit.  

Is it not obvious that Johnny needs to be taught through consequences?  Is it not obvious that the more Johnny careens through life, without control, the more the toddler, now growing up at least physically, is creating chaos?  Guess not.  But the obvious solution would be to teach Johnny, and remove his toys until he learns to share or not let him have any at all.  Obviously, if everyone followed Johnny’s behavior, no one and nothing would be safe from him if he desired it.  

And so it goes.  Toddlers.

N = No

Saying “no” sounds so simple.  “Do you want to go with me to the store?”  That is what is called a closed-ended question.  It only requires a simple “yes” or “no” answer.  So how many people say in response, “Well, I can’t because of…” or “I don’t think so because…”  or “Not this time because…” and not just say, “No”?  Isn’t that funny in a weird sort of way?  Definitely not a “ha ha” funny way!

It is my feeling that we are generally conditioned to not say NO without what is deemed to be a reasonable explanation.  It creeps up on us as we become older and trained or maybe even brainwashed into not saying NO.

We all laugh at the toddler that says “no” to every question asked.  They are exercising their right to choose and since no is such an easy word to say and elicits immediate responses, they say no to everything proposed.  Of course we trained adults or older ones try to trick them by asking questions that will get the response “no” and then throw in a question like, “Do you want a cookie?” and they quickly respond with the “no” and usually, just as quickly realize they just turned down a cookie and behold!  Training has begun!  Now, in life, it can go on for a few more years, but is no longer an automatic response and then we start the offerings of reasons for saying the word no.

One of the hardest decisions I ever made was based on faulty reasoning but I said no to what I truly wanted in order to not say no to the needs of a favorite aunt.  Let me explain.  My older cousin asked me to go to dinner and a movie with her (she could drive, I could not yet) but I was visiting my aunt at the time and staying with her on vacation.  I was afraid my aunt would be upset or disappointed if I didn’t spend my time with her, so I made an excuse and declined my cousin’s invitation.  My aunt, wise woman that she was, asked pointedly why I would want to spend a dull evening with her since she was going to bed early anyway, and pass up a chance at a movie and dinner with my cousin?  I offered a really lame excuse and upon having poor answers for my aunt, she asked again did I really and truly want to stay in a dark quiet house with her in her room asleep.  I blurted out, “NO—not really!”  Then she laughed, which shocked me, and said for me to call my cousin and tell her to pick me up.  I was 16 and well-trained to not say no to anyone without a plausible excuse.  And I didn’t want to hurt my Aunt’s feelings.  Now that was legitimate.  The rest?  Total bs.  Sound familiar at all?

I got older.  I would be asked to do things I didn’t want to do.  IF I didn’t want to, I would weigh the consequences of saying no depending on who had asked and their feelings, not my own.  Later, I found out this is a common malady as I would see advertisements for classes to teach people to say NO.  That same word that had been drummed out of us during toddler years was being brought back to us as adults.  Amazing!

I read books on saying NO.  I talked with people about saying NO.  I felt guilt over saying NO.  I got angry at myself for not saying NO.  And then the best advice I ever got came from a wise counselor—“Learn to say no with no explanation, no excuses, and empower yourself.”  Now, if you have never experienced just saying that one word and offering nothing else, you have to try it!  It is truly liberating!  I back-slid many, many times.  The best trials I had with it were the ones where I told persons I didn’t really care about “no.”  That sort of set me up to say NO to people I did care about.

I’d like to say it gets easier and I rarely offer excuses or reasonings behind my “nos” but that wouldn’t be telling the honest truth.  I still make excuses even as I realize no explanation is needed.  But I’ve been thoroughly and effectively brain-washed so I feel the need to explain the little word.  HOWEVER…there will be a day…

“Want to go…”      “No.”

“Want to…”       “No.” 

and then I will feel just as wonderful about…  “Want to…”   “YES!”

Give it a try.  NO?  Okay.  No pressure.  Just a thought…

M = Move

I took a class on writing from Annis at Art and Spirituality and she gave all of us in the class a one word prompt to write on with a time limit.  The prompt word was “move.”  I wrote about the many literal moves I have made and others were less literal and wrote about transitions, abstract concepts of moving, and it was extremely interesting to hear their takes on the word “Move.”  We so love and cherish differences and the input they offer our little mind!  The word move has been presented to us again, this time from a neighbor above us that wants us to literally move.  He left a note with the one word at our door.  We laughed.  What else can you do?  So this word has been on our mind a lot.

In a literal sense, to move is to put one foot in front of the other, or be subjected to the body’s involuntary propulsion constituting “moving.”  It is also to pick up your belongings, and transport them and yourself to another location.  This body moves constantly.  So does yours.  You breathe, don’t you?  Air in.  Air out.  Movement.  Your heart beats—movement.  And you better hope it keeps moving!  And then there are the kids and adults who have to keep the leg jiggling, that hand tapping, that constant movement that actually soothes them into inner quietness.

There is also that packing of belongings, taking yourself and all you own to a new place—new to you, anyway.  So you transport yourself and your belongings—you move.  But it is more than physical in the sense that when you move from one physical environment to another, you inwardly move also.  What you had on one wall in your former abode, you now have to place strategically on another wall in another place.  It’s importance and significance may also shift/move in your perception.  New ideas and decorations shift into the new place as you move.  You understand and accept these kinds of movement as natural affects and consequences in life.

Then there is another way to move.  I love to think of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., when I think of the movement he challenged us all to make.  He referred to inner movement towards higher thinking, acceptance, equality, and so many values that need to be a part of our daily lives.  We need to move toward open mindedness, which also includes allowing each person to move as rapidly—or as slowly—as they need to.  But he adds, they must keep moving.  

Movement is advancement.  It can be positive or negative.  It is within our power to choose and act.  Movement is powerful, either way.  We see it in our current world and the people who make decisions that affect us all.  We see it in the way we move toward one thing or another.

We are going to move.  That is a fact.  It is indisputable.  WE decide how fast, how slow, toward what and who, which ideas to advance or try to bury.  Thank you, Annis.  What a word!  Now what will we MOVE toward and to in our hearts and minds?

L = Like

“Like” can take different twists and turns when we say it.  For instance, I like to go to the ocean and listen to and watch the waves.  Or you can be a “valley girl,” and like you know, like to go to the, like you know, the ocean.  There is also the word like when you refer to something being like something else.  No wonder the English language is one of the most difficult to learn for non-English native speakers!  So let’s have some fun…

Jane had always hated brussel sprouts, but at one point, she forced herself to eat them to impress a certain person who liked them.  She stated, “I like brussel sprouts now because my tastes have matured.”  (gag!  choke…)  When those who know Jane, really like KNOW her, question her further, she admits it is a lie and she does NOT like brussel sprouts.  So one of the people that know her, like really know her, says, “I don’t understand why you don’t like brussel sprouts!  Really Jane! Like they taste so good!  Like I would have them every day of the week, you know?”  Jane whirls on the speaker and says through clenched teeth, “They taste like baby cabbages and I hate baby cabbages, grown cabbages, like all cabbage!”  The speaker backs away from Jane’s verbal attack, like way, way back.

Get it?  Like do you see how like can be used like for anything you like want to say?  It’s as blah a word as “nice,” and you don’t want me to get started on that, because I could like go on forever about “nice” and “like” and drive you, the reader up the walls and like—well, you know, like me, too!  And you would not like that, nor would I!

To end on a positive note, though, I do like:

puppy breath

sunrises

concertos

peace songs

reading

nature like the ocean and the forests

And why?  Because these things are like a natural high to me that wash over me, into me and make me feel like life is good when I am surrounded with—well, like, you know…

k = “k?”

Have you ever noticed how lazy we are in speech?  We cut the endings off words, the beginnings off words, and rarely does anyone seem to notice.  We literally teach our kids to abbreviate words.  No one says, “Pardon me?” anymore when they need to hear something again or need further explanation—it’s simply, “huh?”  And since my letter for the night is “k”, I decided to expound on how it plays in our everyday speech.

When I taught English composition to college students, one of my hardest tasks was to get them to write an actual formal essay without texting it to me.  Sure, it was on paper, but in the middle of the essay, I would read, “…so u no what  happened b4 and after…” as they hurried to finish the essay assigned.  I would point out that “u” should be spelled out as “you” and receive puzzled looks and complaints that I was being too picky about the writing.  I, in turn, blamed their sloppy abbreviating on the overuse of texting and emails that encouraged this type of writing, but still insisted that a future employer would not be particularly happy reading “u no” on a resume.  They, the students, would grumble and complain, but generally could understand the importance of spelling out actual words to impress.  And then we would discuss how we butcher the language we use every day.  The class would always become fun.

One example that repeatedly was used was the use of “k” for “okay,” which in turn, substitutes for “all right.”  It became fun when I would ask them to write like they speak on our classroom whiteboard.  A brave soul would come up and write, “How are you?” and usually get laughed at with comments like, “get real, sucker!”  So the brave soul would get a shrug from me and erase the original question and write, “How ya doin?” and see approval from classmates and myself and then proceed to write the answer, “k.”  We would go on with other examples, such as, “whasup?” and some of their favorite greetings.  But always, “K” was considered an appropriate answer in nearly every situation.  So I spent more time listening to them and their conversations and to others outside the classroom.

I stopped in at McDonald’s (error in judgment) and a non-English speaker was trying to order.  Seeing his frustration, and knowing very, very few words in Spanish, I tried to help.  Between the two of us, he was able to place his order and I gave him a thumbs up and a smile and his response?  A huge grin and a verbal “K!”  He didn’t know how to speak English but he knew “K” would work!  To let you know, I will tell you we stayed with him to make sure he got his order, asked him if it was “okay” and again, he nodded, grinned, and said, “K!”  

Later that same day, I got a text message from a friend asking me if I would be in her neighborhood, if I could pick up something she needed and bring it to her.  Without thinking, I texted back, “k.”  AAAAAARGH!  The very thing I was griping about I was doing!

“How are things going?”    “K.”

“Ya got it now?”  “K.”

“Can you do this?”  “K.”

“How are you feeling?”  “K.”

So do I still do this, realizing the trap of laziness I have fallen into?  Yeppers!  All the time.  I am asked a question verbally and I respond most times with “k” if the answer is in the affirmative.  Is it a lack of vocabulary on my part?  No, because when I choose to do so, I can use large words (50 cent words) at will.  But when in friendly conversation?  Lazy.  Lazy.  Lazy!  Can I grab that door to keep it from slamming into my buddy?  K.

Do I think I need to shut this laptop down now for the night and get some sleep after dragging my reader through another whimsical adventure of my making?  k.

Good night, k?

J = just

There is more than one way to say the word Just.  We hear a lot of people use the word to say that we need to be just in our actions towards others, toward moral issues, all sorts of current events.  But the one use of the word that always tends to amuse me is when people use it as an explanation or excuse.  Kids seem to be able to use it quite adeptly from a very young age.  Example—

Adult to child:  “Why did you smear mud all over your baby sister?”

Child: “ I just wanted to wipe my hands off and there she was.”

Adult to child:  “Why did you put my hair dryer in the toilet along with all the brushes and combs?”

Child:  “Because if kids in China are hungry, I just figured they needed a hair dryer and brushes and combs, too, and I’m not supposed to dig holes in the back yard to get it to them.”

Adult to child:  “Why did you hit your brother in the nose?”

Child:  “I didn’t.  I just put my fist out and he ran into it.”

I know you have numerous other examples you could offer from experience — both yours or others.  They “just” crop up like little weeds in your otherwise ideal life, right?  And we laugh, trying not to laugh in front of the young offender, and then try to undo the faulty logic.  Then we turn right around and do it ourselves on an “adult” level.

Boss to employee:  “Why did you write a 30 page proposal when a one page synopsis would have sufficed?”

Employee: “I just wanted you to be aware of every detail…”

One spouse to another: “Why did you buy such an expensive gift when you know we don’t have the money to?”

Other spouse: “I just wanted us to make a real impression, ya know?”

Adult to adult: “Why, WHY did you tell that dumb, stupid joke to___?”

Adult in response: “I just  thought it was funny at the time?”

     “AAAARGH!”

We’ve all been there, all done it, and if you haven't yet, you will.  “Just.”    “I just thought…”    “I just meant…”    “I just tried…”     But the real, honest truth killer?  “I JUST ASSUMED…”   UH-OH!  DOUBLE WHAMMY!

Yep, we are born with the ability to use “just” to cover, hide, excuse, and try to get us out of tight situations.  I find it hilarious.  Having raised kids, I really thought I had a great list of “justs.”  But I realized there are an infinite number of justs when I taught students that weren’t happy with their grades, homework load, etc.  That’s a whole ‘nother blog!  (chuckle chuckle)  

The reason for writing this one, now?  I just thought it might amuse you.  Besides, I have to admit—I just did it for fun!

I = Images

What do you see when you close your eyes?  First, I see brilliant colors that seem trapped beneath my closed eyelids.  Then, if I let my mind take over, I can see what I want, or sometimes don’t want.  But what I see are images—pictures without words.  Oh, what emotions those images evoke!

Media and marketing know the power of images.  If you start to notice what Images you are being exposed to, you begin to realize the power behind them.  We should think about the emotional responses we have to certain images.  Here I will share some of the images that I see that still elicit vivid responses no matter how many times I see them.

Most recently, I see the image of the young girl with the shaved head, tears rolling down her face, eyes haunted, as she stands behind a podium in total silence—mourning the loss of friends murdered by an assassin at her school.  In looking at her, my heart aches for her, for her pain, her frustration and yes, anger, that the murderer could cause such devastation to so many lives in so short a time because he was able to use a weapon of war on peaceful people.  I don’t need to read her words, the image of her is imprinted on my mind with great emotion.

I scroll through the internet social media and I see an animal slaughtered or cruelly tortured and my heart breaks.  I rail against the injustice done to one who cannot defend itself and was so hatefully abused for simply existing.  The image is one I cannot shake from my mind and I cry tears of sheer pain as I look into eyes of the animal who doesn’t understand why and is ever so afraid and beaten down.

I see a child sitting in rubble of what was once her home.  She is alone, scared, hungry, and imprinted on my mind as I fear for her and the horrors of wars that seem to never end for her.  Again, I cry from the depths of my soul for her.  But I cannot block the image of her, squatting in the rubble, from my mind.

These images remain in my mind and tear into my heart.  And the media and marketers know this.  If giving money will help, I give.  It doesn’t take away the images but it motivates me to act—however I can—to try to change the images of horror I see.  And keep seeing over and over.

But there are good images, also.  I see a friend’s genuine smile of pleasure as they relate a tale of good fortune, or love, or just the joy of being alive.  When I feel down, I think of the smile, and the beautiful person behind it.  Or their face in laughter—ah what a wonderful image!  I feel goodness and love emanating from the image of them laughing so freely!

Images are so important.  They color our day, our work, our play, our lives.  If I look at laughing children, my face will smile whether I bid it to do so or not.  My heart lifts.  If I sit at a concert and see/watch people playing instruments that are otherwise lifeless and the rapture on their faces as the instrument sings for them, under their touch, my heart soars and they and the instrument they play become alive and make my heart rise with the notes.  An image of a person seated at a piano, a drummer beating the drums with surety and love, yes love, lift me.  I can feel their passion for the music!

I can see specific images from movies I love to watch and cry, swoon, laugh, or shrink in fear.  I remember seeing an old movie with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers dancing and the image still causes me to take a deep breath and very nearly hold it as I am amazed at their grace, their smoothness, the beauty of them dancing across a stage or floor.

Images.  Sources of pain.  Sources of light and hope.  I found that when I am terrified, I can seek an image of the ocean and it helps me become grounded again.  From the silent lapping of the waves creeping toward my feet on the sand to the vastness of it as I look toward the horizon.  From the marks left on rocks by high tide, to the waves bashing against rocks and pylons, spraying foam and water everywhere with great, fantastic force.  Others will recreate images of forests and sheltering trees to calm their spirits and become grounded.  Or maybe the vastness of the desert.  But the image they see is the one they need.

Our images can change, but I don’t believe any are ever erased or completely wiped out.  Images of love, horror, safety, terror—they are there to present themselves as needed.  Some will come as reminders and warnings.  Some will come to motivate us, inspire us to act.  Some will fill an empty grieving place in our hearts.

Images without words fill, complete, inspire, comfort us.  Some images should always be before us so we can try to change the future, correct the past, build and thrive.  Images have as much power as we give them.  Reflect on your images.  Use them.  More, though, be aware of which ones you most often notice, why, and what you think of them. 

Sweet dreams.